Field of Mud

Spent the better part of tonight musing about changes. I sought out distractions as the best coping mechanism for today. An impromptu dinner invitation and a walk around the mall were welcome relief from the usual rambling around this big house that holds no destination for me anymore. I find myself having a hard time sprucing up my daily rituals.

Now that the moment is three months old, I feel hard-pressed to put any of my life, these days, into words. Which is something I see as simultaneously great and disturbing. I used to adore rantings of hope and progress and daily moments that were delightful. But am now left to abhore the inspiration born from human discontent of which I was the victim. I can’t let my grief crowd out any of the laughter that is yet to be shared.

There is much more to relay, so to make it easier on the old brain, I will categorize.

1. The garden is absolutely ravishing as of late. It's with soulful melancholy that I know I am bidding it farewell as we spend our last season together. The grapevines are just magnificent, as if to be the ones to vie for my attention over everyone else. They are proud to be so bold in only their second season here. They appear to be outshining the morning glory corner, which is a secret garden in itself. This little spot is always my favorite, even though it takes up most of my attention, these glorious beings challenge me as they require daily discipline or will otherwise run wild with sweet abandon. We have a lot in common. I hope someone will love this little spot of earth that I once claimed as my own.

2. Travel destinations, hotel bookings, airline tickets and all things foreign to me are my new reality. I have a new mindset for visiting planet earth starting with Sedona, Az in just 11 short days. This trip marks my 48th birthday and the beginning of my life. Followed by a less than inspirational jaunt to backwoods Kentucky where I will reconnect with my true soul mate as we are once again together for a few days, to sit on her porch and philosophize the days away. And then, like a movie plot that I never saw myself in, I will rent a car and travel the short 6 hour distance to my 30th high school reunion in South Whitley, Indiana. This is the stuff of life and, after all, I am still alive.

3. The sadder notes that currently ring are the details of divorce and division of heart and hard assets. I took the big leap into the attorney arena today and can't yet convey the emotions that are witness to this, but I operate on instinct now and I knew that sooner or later, we just had to give up the ghost and get dirty. I hope that grace guides my footsteps on this journey.