Writing Backwards

Funny how writing transpires. Every writer will tell you that they cannot tell you where inspiration comes from. It's often asked of me, "where do you get your ideas". I have no idea. But I do know that I see the conclusion first and then go forward with my thought, however backward that is.

Wish I had had this perception during this last decade. Had I seen the conclusion, I wouldn't have changed a thing. But I would have been prepared for the outcome.

There was a lunar eclipse last night. It was heavy on my brain to see it because when there is a monumental event that is a fleeting moment in time, I want to be witness. I planned my late night, set the alarm and wondered how tired I was going to be at work tomorrow. I fell asleep with a "fuck it" attitude around 10 PM because who needs that? I woke up anyhow and sleepiness argued with me when I crawled out of my bed @ 2 AM to see the hoopla and circumstance. It was more spectacular than I could have hoped for. The moon was bright and full with a hint from the shadow of the earth when I sat down. The night sky beckoned me to stay. I did. In chairs with laptop I wrote for 2 hours, glancing at intervals at the darkening moon. I knew I should get my camera and take time lapse shots of the thing. I was just to lazy to put any effort into it.

I was heavy into reflection.

For all my bravado, there are occassional tears. Every smile is hiding an ounce of despair that I am still trying to conquer. I exclaim my plans for the future while holding on to a bit of my past. I damn this limbo and swear I am climbing out, while falling two steps back, looking straight ahead. It's more than a beginning, this is the answer.