Retrospective and Reality

I have to publically acknowledge the amazing people that now wander through my life. Vickie, you are my other half. Damn you for that. If only you were tall, dark and handsome, oh yeah, and a MAN!

But, in lieu of that, I have this.

The current characters in my play are: Myself - leading lady. Vickie, best supporting role. Michel, greatest male actor. Dan, something surreal and inspirational.

Teresa, Maureen, Lou, Katie and Nancy- lifeline friends.

Corey - amusing distraction.

Debbie, a renewed friendship and next travel destination.

My splintered family

and pereferial characters: Roxanne, Marlene & Frank, Lori

and even Damon gets a nod as he was something in this.

Thanks people! Each and every one of you just saved my life.

Unraveling my latest mistake

I simply can't find the rewind button and therefore have no option but to watch what is currently playing.

Days are becoming whole again, about half way through. The beginning seems insurmountable and then the noon welcomes promise and night seems to embrace me, as I have lived the challenge of another day. Funny thing "time. It's a powerful healer and I welcome every minute. Would be nice if I could buy a little, just to be further down the path, but I can't seem to find the right currency.

Like a poorly knitted sweater, I am slowely unraveling the yarn of the last decade and rolling it back in to a fresh ball of promise to be re-knitted in to something new. I have imagination for my new project, it's not quite formulated yet, but my mind is finally working on it.

My blessings are immense

That face brings nothing but happiness to my soul. Emma has inspired me to always plaster a happy grin on my face. No matter what. She radiates pure joy. So shall I.

Happy Birthday to us. We are getting ready to celebrate our birthday again. She will be two, going on 22 and I will be 48, going on 22. Let youth wash over me.

5K Walk for Peace

Being that all things are new in my life, I am doing all new things. My current project is the upcoming 5K walk to end Domestic violence, sponsored by Arizona Foundation for Women. I intend to raise $500 for this cause as I prepare to walk for Vanessa.

On April 28th, I will participate in my first marathon ever, on her behalf and on behalf of all women that find themselves in similar situations.

Vanessa is the daughter of a friend that was murdered in her bed at the age of 19 when an enraged boyfriend took her life. Teresa, her mother, decided to use this tragic instance in her life to serve others. And she is inspiring to me. I met her at the height of her grief and marveled at her strength while she walked through it. Her faith never waivered.

And so now, 2 years later, as Teresa marches for this cause with the conviction of an angel, I am honored to walk beside her. We are grateful for your support.

If you can join us as we celebrate the night, you can sign up here:
Voices 4 Vanessa for 2007 Walk to End Domestic Violence.
http://www.active.com/register/index.cfm?event_id=1386246&subevent_id=770495&team_id=323078

Our Organization: http://azfoundationforwomen.org/dv-walk/afw.html

Contributions:
http://www.active.com/donate/enddomesticviolence/azwalkTOrtiz

Meanderings nothing more

I sit down to empty my thoughts onto this black and white forum each evening. Tonight is just a quiet room with the fan swirling overhead. The sliding glass door is open and the night smells good. The pool is gurgling because the pump is on and there are sounds of the night beckoning for me to listen. It is a perfect playground for a distracted mind; I skip from one thought to the next and before long I am not interested in writing anything. It seems I am still nurturing the pain that was born out of the events of this last year.

Unexpected invitation

I was invited to afternoon tea. Now, generally speaking, this is not my cup of tea. But since my life is now full of new and different things to do, I graciously accepted. The hosts were a German couple 30 years my senior, that live on the other side of the "gulf". It truely was an afternoon of tea, complete with china, sugar bowl and homemade streudel.

We sat outside in their garden and chatted about everything except the subject at hand, since they decided that their job was take my mind off of it. And they did a great job. It's funny how much you can have in common with people, no matter what walk of life we are all in. I was schooled in gardening, the ways of marriage and how to be my own woman and not someone's wife. We discussed books, wildlife and aircraft. They showed me an enduring love of two commited souls and I had pangs of jealousy. But it renewed my faith that it really is something that can happen.

We spent the better part of a late afternoon in souful chat and human connection while dodging golf balls. (They live in the danger zone).

This encounter changed my mind. I realized that walking away from a situation rather than "righting" it is absolutely freeing. That was today's miracle.

On Vacation

I recently vacated my life.

I am taking this vacation from spirit and soul and from true self. But I am lurking there again and I'll welcome me back soon. But for today - sweet sabbatical.

Besides all of the drama, I have learned that I really love me. Lord, I don't think I could have done this any better. And yes, the regret(s) are there. But I have made peace with this all and here I go.....

I found out what I know, but forgot to tell myself. I am so able to do anything. I am so strong and I am destined to be the leading lady in my life. I will accept nothing less. And for so long, I have been accepting the "less".

Humor amidst chaos

Just as an update to my Christmas list posted on November 28th, down below - I got every thing I asked for. Be careful what you ask for!

Coyote Sightings

It's just a common occurance these days......

Franchesca and friends, lots of friends.

March Forth...........

And so as this weekend from hell concludes, I am about to put my weary ass to bed (or couch as it were). I have gathered as much clarity as possible, given the shock, and can feel proud that I can overcome ANYTHING - apparently. For all of your mid-life crisis bullshit or whatever you are going through.... (since you are not being articulate about it), I am left to draw my own conclusions..... I now find myself surprisingly thankful.

I am thankful for this wave of creativity that now swirls in my brain. I have a sad enthusiasm for a new future. I know without doubt, that we will never be the same, but it's somewhat comforting, because we will be better for this. Be alone or together, I am growing by leaps and bounds now. My mind, once content to serve, is now wide awake to explore and learn and move forward in to this scary and exciting new thing. And God Bless this life for it's ever changing reality. As much as you didn't want to get caught up in security, mortgages and settling..... I have realized, it's me that is now evolving beyond all of that.

I have done this. A successful marriage, raised kids and in all 13 years, never a day of regret or longing. As strange as it seems, I consider this a huge success. If this is the conclusion, I can walk away with dignity and pride. For this alone, I hold extreme gratitude!!

P, you were instrumental in my life while you were. The parting of ways makes me wonder what exceptional path now lies ahead of me.

This is all said with deep sorrow but extreme gratitude

I will always thank you for everything, and love you dearly.

Damn the fork....

I was counting on a straight road for the rest of the trip.

P -

I have allowed myself to wallow in this delicious misery for to long now. I know I need to summon up superhuman courage, but my spirit is so broken that, I just don't know where to look for it.

You've already packed your heart and I know it's just a matter of time before you to take the rest of your shit.

I'm not angry yet, but God help you when this emotion arrives - if ever.

I am looking forward to the other side so that I can get in to the deep melancholy for all that has happened. Once there, I hope to find meaning.

I do wish you well.

J -

I've been shopping.....

Christmas in 5 days. I still don't feel it, so I probably never will. I have gifts for Michel. This is fun this year. He is getting a trip to France. So the box to announce the trip contains a survival kit, of sorts. A beret... but of course. And some obvious stuff. And the pista la resistance being, a SPEEDO!! Can't go to Europe and wear big ole' baggy American shorts. HA

For Emma, a wonderful Emma sized wicker rocking chair and I knitted her a cabled blanket to go with it. So she can be warm and "rock on" in 07.

Otherwise, I had lots of "misfits" to surprise with this and that. This is all done. Nothing left for me to do.

The family in general and Phil and I don't usually exchange gifts. We gave up the commercial need to satisfy this trend that has gotten so out of hand in society. We decided years ago to just get gifts for the kids and spend our money on fine food and drink and celebration together. This has taken so much stress out of the holiday. But, this year, something is developing or brewing or whatever. People are plotting and whispering. Michel especially, seems to have done something extravagant on my behalf. (They are so bad at being secretive). AND!!!! Mom and Dad seem to have some plan up their sleeve, even though she made a point to call me - like she does every year - to reiterate that we are not doing gifts. I don't know. The only rule that I broke was to get for Phil a print for his new office of the Port of Marseilles where he was born. But I can cover it up by giving it to Michel to give to him. Oh, and for Nikki and Nate, I got gifts to put under their tree, but they are from EMMA. So no rules broken. He heeee Mom and Dad however, are on my shit list!!! They have blatantly bent some rules. I can tell by the giggles and whispers and secretive phone calls to Michel. Hmmmmm

So maybe in some twisted and/or screwy way, we have actually captured the essence of what Christmas is suppose to be. A surprise, no matter what rules are broken. Nothing expected. No appliances, no clothes, no meaningless filler gifts. But rather, a gift with immense meaning because we just could not help ourselves.

Getting lost in the keys

I have a crazy desire to type. Relentless and whatever ramblings in my head about constant thoughts are like a lava flow that just need an escape. I equate my ambition for the keyboard to the ambition that Billy Joel has for his keys when he is in the zone with songs like: Scenes from an Italian restaurant. It's just a hammering of emotion, whatever the outlet.

Date night, Friday in the year of 06 on December 8th. Gotta work to keep the passion alive lest daily mundulaities take over and warp you heart. (Yes, I just coined that word). I took my baby to Papadeux'. We cleaned up nicely and got into the spirit of the night. They sure have their shit down pat. It was so crowded, we had to circle for parking. But once accomplished we strolled in, expecting a wait, and had already discussed should we sit at the bar or in the outside lounge. However, we were escorted immediately to a front row table.

Merlot & Budweiser

Calamari Mediterranean Style

Coconut Shrimp

Lobster tail, Baked potato

Flawless service. They get my 4 stars ****

The Decline of my Christmas Spirit

I just don't feel it. All of my neighbors are lit up and festive and I am like the "scrooge" house on the block. I am sure the closer I get to 12/25, the more I will be hoping for a LIFETIME Channel moment. But right now, it's just not there.

My Christmas List

Remember what you have in your life to be thankful for, and cherish it. There is simply nothing more to ask for,

except........ maybe:

365 pair of soft, squishy white socks. A new pair for every day in 07.

A tree in my front rocks.

Inspired days, soulful nights, and no regrets.

Books, anything on cooking must have photos. I am visually inspired.

A greener thumb. Mine has gone rather turquoise lately.

Another healthy year with my ever aging, grey haired dog.

.........Of Course

Two Sesame Seeds

Some things are just better left unspoken.And then, on the other hand, just to rich not to speak of.

But when life hands you an obvious "Blog Tagline" you must accept it.

And so, are the circumstances of this moment in the quilt of my life. With humor, I add this patch to my quilt.

Black Friday, or the day after - I can't remember which... Phil is in an obvious and rare pissy mood. Thus noted, I steer clear.

He isn't working because of the forced holiday, so he is trying to occupy his time at home with "things".

But he can't really find shit to do. So he meanders here and there.

Being an innocent, yet amused bystander, I am just doing the usual. And then a sudden burst of him through the door arriving to confront me with some horrid situation, which he displays on his index finger. He has found 2 sesame seeds in his car and adamantly accuses me of eating in his the beloved BMW.

It still invokes spontaneous laughter.

Could there BE better stories in life than that?? One for which he will be held accountable for decades.

God Bless the human spirit :)

Food Anxiety !

What is wrong with me? It's just one meal. And one I have done numerous times, with success. So "why oh why" do I have this stress / anxiety / hyper-chopping / cooking like a fool and baking more pies than anyone can eat mentality?

I blame it on my mom - oh and, thank her for the stuffing advice that hangs on in my psyche from when I am 4-5 years old.

I wish I could shake my "Martha" mentality about all of this. After all, I am feeding Mom, Dad, Phil, Nikki, Nathan and Mike - and Emma, she just doesn't care. The stupid fact is that I feed them every day! Why is Thanksgiving different in my mind?

OK, I am relaxing. Just slap a 30 pound bird in the dirty oven at 5 AM on Thursday and make 7-10 side dishes with 4 available burners and juggle those damn bread rolls after the turkey comes out. Hope I don't forget them, like last year.

EASY

Gottcha'

........sort of.

This is Franchesica.

I need a better camera. And so begins my Christmas list.

... Of Wisdom

WELCOME VICKIE!!

Looking so forward to your insight and meanderings! This is better than drunken emails!

I am stealing an hour during daylight even, to type, as Phil is getting a much needed haircut. After all, it's been seven long days since his last. We are all convinced that not only in he man-orexic, he has also morphed into metro-sexual. But in a good way, if there is such a thing. I am inspired to post "house undies" now that we have it out there in the open. And I will. Something to look forward to.

It's a blessed Friday night and I am flooded with gratitude, just for that fact! Michel just breezed in to regale me with stories of fly fishing in the nearby lakes and bowling humor from last night. Paws is poolside, barking at Buddy across the loop. Buddy is a beagle with grey whiskers that stands on top of a kids playhouse in the yard across the road, barking at all passerbyers, and anyone else that will listen. He's a humorous beast, one that I am sure has commanded many barking complaints and warnings from the association. But regardless, he mans his post, day & night. I rather like him.

And so begins my weekend and slight vacation! I actually feel a shudder of relaxation brewing in my spirit. It's foreign, but I am open to foreign languages.

I wish you socks........

PINK KITTENS

I spent today's thoughts as close to the gratitude latitude as possible. There were moments of ego, but for the most part, I was in the moment. (EGO = Edging God Out)

I was elated today by nothing more than a sound. And that's all it took to center me.

Pomegranates are plentiful this time of year and I have them all over my kitchen. I had an urge for a break from plastics, so I juiced 10 or so and made pomegranate jam. I ladled my labor into hot jars and tightened their lids. Then I went back to work. They sat bright red and happy on my counter. 20 minutes or so later, they began to "pop" as their lids sealed in the sweet jam offering. The continued sound of lids "popping" in a satisfactory way, made me smile. And so went my thoughts.... These little moments ARE life. Not bills or aches & pains or yard work or oil changes or obligation to go vote today. No, it's just a tiny "pop" that is the essence of life.

And so, as I worked the rest of today, I listed in my head the tiny things in life that delight me.

And they are.........

New Socks - when I have the means for indulgance, I will have a new pair of socks every day. There is nothing better than a never before walked upon sock. This is my favorite luxury.

Witnessing a "V" of Geese

Skiens of Yarn

A remembered heartache that echos inspiration

Coyote sightings

Egg Salad

Mailing a package and imaginaging the recipient's unexpected delight

Music and late night blogging

A Democratic outcome

The lingering smell of PineSol after eagerly cleaning the house

A virgin notebook waiting for ideas to be jotted

Imigination

Dark Clouds

Leftover turkey and ketchup

Gerber Daisey's

Lists of things, making lists and all things organized

A "not yet read" Magazine - preferably the cooking variety

Watching Phil smoke in the dark

and My Beloved Dreams (the sleeping kind) .........I am an avid dreamer. Just ask the pink kitten.

The Pink Kitten ......this is my mind. Enlightenment is not far behind