In the Margins

Without inspiration for the past 10 days I find myself struggling and scavenging for words. I have a mental cramp that I just can't shake. Even with the current wealth of encouragement and resources that surround me, I am still looking to the thesaurus for inspiration. But only find synonyms and antonyms that do not have a story to tell.

It seems that since I actually started writing, attending class and peer group meetings, my writing has come to a complete halt. Don't know if this is because I was such a closet writer in the past and am now finding myself fully exposed. I possess a sheepish attitude about admitting my need to write. Compare it to an alcoholics need to drink. We do it quietly and cover up the truth of our addiction. I have to publicly admit, I am addicted. I write journals and letters. I write on this blog daily and archived most of the entries. I write in the margins and on napkins. I carry around endless numbers of legal pads and notebooks. I would rather write than hold a conversation. Currently I have 20 plus writing projects underway and all of them going nowhere. The book project is screaming for my attention. My need is to find focus. But maybe the first step to my recovery is admission.

Hi, I am Julie and I am a writer.

The past week I have been traveling. The destination was not as memorable as the journey. I found myself out of my element going through airports, hailing taxis, riding trains and trams, talking to strangers and simply being on my own in the world. This exposure to life has proven to be exactly what was needed to reinvigorate my recently bruised soul. My plane home was cancelled leaving me stranded in the Las Vegas airport. The problem at the time, seemed insurmountable but the experience in the end became the catalyst for my healing. I recognized a fellow traveler, also now stranded and engaged her in conversation. We brainstormed the best escape route from this town. We had hours to kill and decided to have dinner together, along with a third stranger that we collected along the way. We three woman sat in a dark restaurant exchanging life stories. Jodi works for CNN and Kaye is an oil tycoon in Texas. Feeling inadequate in their company I didn't want to admit to just having a manufacturing line in my home. My insecurity overshadowed my personality. But as drinks and conversation flowed, I admitted to being a writer - yes out loud and in public, and this admission melted the conversations into books, current and recently read titles. This is a subject that I can hold my own with. I talked animatedly of my recent reads and thoughts on each of them. I spoke of Al Gore's first book, An Inconvenient Truth, and mused aloud about his new release. Of course Wayne Dyer was fondly mentioned as well as favorite authors, Marianne Williamson, Esther and Jerry Hicks and deeper literary giants such as the Course in Miracles. As my mind flowed free sharing the wealth of knowledge that books have offered me, I suddenly realized, people might find me interesting. I can hold my own with people of substance.

It was an eye opening moment. I am no longer someones wife or simply a mother to my kids. I am a woman with a big life and intend to live it!