Talking in the Dark

There's something to be said for the night. This is where inspiration lives. There is just a deeper quiet available to the soul. It's not a new thing. For centuries folks have told stories around campfires where minds and words flow free.

My campfire story tonight is one of calm discontent. I still can't help but feel a little bit lost but I am no longer grasping for emotional air. Before long instead of a few good days, I will be counting a few good weeks and finally letting it dissolve in to the learning experience it simply was, however bittersweet. My center of emotional gravity is shifting and I will be better than before.

Looking forward to the upcoming jaunt up north. It's an "out of my comfort zone" sort of weekend and now just 3 days away. It's nice to have anticipation for something again. My mind is making lists of list of things I need to do to prepare. If only my mind would shut up once in awhile a let me free fall. This excursion is pretty close to wild abandon. It's the perfect anecdote to recent pain.

Sweet D, thanks for pushing me over the edge.

I am ashamed of my recent mental self indulgence.

I surrender to the flow of divinity

Marathon Moments

We walked.

The spirit of an event like this becomes a lasting memory. It was upbeat and inspiring. It was an emotional walk around the streets of downtown Phoenix.

There are so few moments that have so much meaning.

Write on

Simply getting serious about getting on, I am once again a college student. The only difference this time is that I actually have enough wisdom born from hard living. You can't learn this stuff in any school!

I just need structure, feedback and the discipline to write.

Current assignment, an inspirational piece. Thank God! Fiction and I are not friends. I can write about stuff of life, because I have lived so much of it.

My nights are now spent devouring the Thesaurus and meeting new words that will eventually be woven into the yarn of my life. It's my goal to articulate my soul and hopefully, inspire another.

To make it all really real, I have a shiny new notebook computer that is barely 8 hours old. I feel so technologically advanced to have dumped the PC (on which I am currently writing, because old habits and all). Now my words and I can go wherever we need to and I am no longer tied to desk and chair, but can rely on a mountaintop and my lap. Freedom continues to make it's presence know in my life.

I intend to become polished with some professor's guidance and one day, be quotable, but for now I do borrow a bit from the masters. I prefer to think of it as word education. As Ralph Waldo Emerson so graciously states; Genius borrows nobly.

In the arena of my evolution, I have put so much distance between then and now, I feel hope again. I am walking the walk with the pride of a victor! My friends keep telling me they are proud of me. It's only when I can be proud of myself that the healing begins. I have embraced this concept and will - soon. I just have to experience this process. I suppose we can never really be prepared for that which is suddenly new, but we should prepare for times of drastic change. This is life, handing you an accolade for your growth and spurring you on to the next greatest thing.

Just another Tuesday

When the unbearable nature of our existence becomes raw enough we are finally able to see the humor in it, and laugh at how seriously we take ourselves. I think I am feeling the bubble burst now and can look forward. I have been looking back for so long that I couldn't see where I was going.

A quest for hiking boots today turned in to the most frustrating and then humiliating experience. Needless to say, I have yet to find the elusive little things. I guess I will turn to the internet and hope I have enough time for delivery before my grand hike into freedom.

I did no work today except for feeble attempts at breather bars. I have to harness a bit more discipline tomorrow. Of course, once I made up my mind to be miserable for a while, nothing else mattered. And then Emma called to babble endlessly about lady bugs and parties and all things of an enlightened two year old. It was an afternoon blessing. I needed that reminder, that there is always a bit of holy inside the most ordinary of days.

Field of Mud

Spent the better part of tonight musing about changes. I sought out distractions as the best coping mechanism for today. An impromptu dinner invitation and a walk around the mall were welcome relief from the usual rambling around this big house that holds no destination for me anymore. I find myself having a hard time sprucing up my daily rituals.

Now that the moment is three months old, I feel hard-pressed to put any of my life, these days, into words. Which is something I see as simultaneously great and disturbing. I used to adore rantings of hope and progress and daily moments that were delightful. But am now left to abhore the inspiration born from human discontent of which I was the victim. I can’t let my grief crowd out any of the laughter that is yet to be shared.

There is much more to relay, so to make it easier on the old brain, I will categorize.

1. The garden is absolutely ravishing as of late. It's with soulful melancholy that I know I am bidding it farewell as we spend our last season together. The grapevines are just magnificent, as if to be the ones to vie for my attention over everyone else. They are proud to be so bold in only their second season here. They appear to be outshining the morning glory corner, which is a secret garden in itself. This little spot is always my favorite, even though it takes up most of my attention, these glorious beings challenge me as they require daily discipline or will otherwise run wild with sweet abandon. We have a lot in common. I hope someone will love this little spot of earth that I once claimed as my own.

2. Travel destinations, hotel bookings, airline tickets and all things foreign to me are my new reality. I have a new mindset for visiting planet earth starting with Sedona, Az in just 11 short days. This trip marks my 48th birthday and the beginning of my life. Followed by a less than inspirational jaunt to backwoods Kentucky where I will reconnect with my true soul mate as we are once again together for a few days, to sit on her porch and philosophize the days away. And then, like a movie plot that I never saw myself in, I will rent a car and travel the short 6 hour distance to my 30th high school reunion in South Whitley, Indiana. This is the stuff of life and, after all, I am still alive.

3. The sadder notes that currently ring are the details of divorce and division of heart and hard assets. I took the big leap into the attorney arena today and can't yet convey the emotions that are witness to this, but I operate on instinct now and I knew that sooner or later, we just had to give up the ghost and get dirty. I hope that grace guides my footsteps on this journey.

Retrospective and Reality

I have to publically acknowledge the amazing people that now wander through my life. Vickie, you are my other half. Damn you for that. If only you were tall, dark and handsome, oh yeah, and a MAN!

But, in lieu of that, I have this.

The current characters in my play are: Myself - leading lady. Vickie, best supporting role. Michel, greatest male actor. Dan, something surreal and inspirational.

Teresa, Maureen, Lou, Katie and Nancy- lifeline friends.

Corey - amusing distraction.

Debbie, a renewed friendship and next travel destination.

My splintered family

and pereferial characters: Roxanne, Marlene & Frank, Lori

and even Damon gets a nod as he was something in this.

Thanks people! Each and every one of you just saved my life.

Unraveling my latest mistake

I simply can't find the rewind button and therefore have no option but to watch what is currently playing.

Days are becoming whole again, about half way through. The beginning seems insurmountable and then the noon welcomes promise and night seems to embrace me, as I have lived the challenge of another day. Funny thing "time. It's a powerful healer and I welcome every minute. Would be nice if I could buy a little, just to be further down the path, but I can't seem to find the right currency.

Like a poorly knitted sweater, I am slowely unraveling the yarn of the last decade and rolling it back in to a fresh ball of promise to be re-knitted in to something new. I have imagination for my new project, it's not quite formulated yet, but my mind is finally working on it.

My blessings are immense

That face brings nothing but happiness to my soul. Emma has inspired me to always plaster a happy grin on my face. No matter what. She radiates pure joy. So shall I.

Happy Birthday to us. We are getting ready to celebrate our birthday again. She will be two, going on 22 and I will be 48, going on 22. Let youth wash over me.

5K Walk for Peace

Being that all things are new in my life, I am doing all new things. My current project is the upcoming 5K walk to end Domestic violence, sponsored by Arizona Foundation for Women. I intend to raise $500 for this cause as I prepare to walk for Vanessa.

On April 28th, I will participate in my first marathon ever, on her behalf and on behalf of all women that find themselves in similar situations.

Vanessa is the daughter of a friend that was murdered in her bed at the age of 19 when an enraged boyfriend took her life. Teresa, her mother, decided to use this tragic instance in her life to serve others. And she is inspiring to me. I met her at the height of her grief and marveled at her strength while she walked through it. Her faith never waivered.

And so now, 2 years later, as Teresa marches for this cause with the conviction of an angel, I am honored to walk beside her. We are grateful for your support.

If you can join us as we celebrate the night, you can sign up here:
Voices 4 Vanessa for 2007 Walk to End Domestic Violence.
http://www.active.com/register/index.cfm?event_id=1386246&subevent_id=770495&team_id=323078

Our Organization: http://azfoundationforwomen.org/dv-walk/afw.html

Contributions:
http://www.active.com/donate/enddomesticviolence/azwalkTOrtiz

Meanderings nothing more

I sit down to empty my thoughts onto this black and white forum each evening. Tonight is just a quiet room with the fan swirling overhead. The sliding glass door is open and the night smells good. The pool is gurgling because the pump is on and there are sounds of the night beckoning for me to listen. It is a perfect playground for a distracted mind; I skip from one thought to the next and before long I am not interested in writing anything. It seems I am still nurturing the pain that was born out of the events of this last year.

Unexpected invitation

I was invited to afternoon tea. Now, generally speaking, this is not my cup of tea. But since my life is now full of new and different things to do, I graciously accepted. The hosts were a German couple 30 years my senior, that live on the other side of the "gulf". It truely was an afternoon of tea, complete with china, sugar bowl and homemade streudel.

We sat outside in their garden and chatted about everything except the subject at hand, since they decided that their job was take my mind off of it. And they did a great job. It's funny how much you can have in common with people, no matter what walk of life we are all in. I was schooled in gardening, the ways of marriage and how to be my own woman and not someone's wife. We discussed books, wildlife and aircraft. They showed me an enduring love of two commited souls and I had pangs of jealousy. But it renewed my faith that it really is something that can happen.

We spent the better part of a late afternoon in souful chat and human connection while dodging golf balls. (They live in the danger zone).

This encounter changed my mind. I realized that walking away from a situation rather than "righting" it is absolutely freeing. That was today's miracle.

On Vacation

I recently vacated my life.

I am taking this vacation from spirit and soul and from true self. But I am lurking there again and I'll welcome me back soon. But for today - sweet sabbatical.

Besides all of the drama, I have learned that I really love me. Lord, I don't think I could have done this any better. And yes, the regret(s) are there. But I have made peace with this all and here I go.....

I found out what I know, but forgot to tell myself. I am so able to do anything. I am so strong and I am destined to be the leading lady in my life. I will accept nothing less. And for so long, I have been accepting the "less".

Humor amidst chaos

Just as an update to my Christmas list posted on November 28th, down below - I got every thing I asked for. Be careful what you ask for!

Coyote Sightings

It's just a common occurance these days......

Franchesca and friends, lots of friends.

March Forth...........

And so as this weekend from hell concludes, I am about to put my weary ass to bed (or couch as it were). I have gathered as much clarity as possible, given the shock, and can feel proud that I can overcome ANYTHING - apparently. For all of your mid-life crisis bullshit or whatever you are going through.... (since you are not being articulate about it), I am left to draw my own conclusions..... I now find myself surprisingly thankful.

I am thankful for this wave of creativity that now swirls in my brain. I have a sad enthusiasm for a new future. I know without doubt, that we will never be the same, but it's somewhat comforting, because we will be better for this. Be alone or together, I am growing by leaps and bounds now. My mind, once content to serve, is now wide awake to explore and learn and move forward in to this scary and exciting new thing. And God Bless this life for it's ever changing reality. As much as you didn't want to get caught up in security, mortgages and settling..... I have realized, it's me that is now evolving beyond all of that.

I have done this. A successful marriage, raised kids and in all 13 years, never a day of regret or longing. As strange as it seems, I consider this a huge success. If this is the conclusion, I can walk away with dignity and pride. For this alone, I hold extreme gratitude!!

P, you were instrumental in my life while you were. The parting of ways makes me wonder what exceptional path now lies ahead of me.

This is all said with deep sorrow but extreme gratitude

I will always thank you for everything, and love you dearly.

Damn the fork....

I was counting on a straight road for the rest of the trip.

P -

I have allowed myself to wallow in this delicious misery for to long now. I know I need to summon up superhuman courage, but my spirit is so broken that, I just don't know where to look for it.

You've already packed your heart and I know it's just a matter of time before you to take the rest of your shit.

I'm not angry yet, but God help you when this emotion arrives - if ever.

I am looking forward to the other side so that I can get in to the deep melancholy for all that has happened. Once there, I hope to find meaning.

I do wish you well.

J -

I've been shopping.....

Christmas in 5 days. I still don't feel it, so I probably never will. I have gifts for Michel. This is fun this year. He is getting a trip to France. So the box to announce the trip contains a survival kit, of sorts. A beret... but of course. And some obvious stuff. And the pista la resistance being, a SPEEDO!! Can't go to Europe and wear big ole' baggy American shorts. HA

For Emma, a wonderful Emma sized wicker rocking chair and I knitted her a cabled blanket to go with it. So she can be warm and "rock on" in 07.

Otherwise, I had lots of "misfits" to surprise with this and that. This is all done. Nothing left for me to do.

The family in general and Phil and I don't usually exchange gifts. We gave up the commercial need to satisfy this trend that has gotten so out of hand in society. We decided years ago to just get gifts for the kids and spend our money on fine food and drink and celebration together. This has taken so much stress out of the holiday. But, this year, something is developing or brewing or whatever. People are plotting and whispering. Michel especially, seems to have done something extravagant on my behalf. (They are so bad at being secretive). AND!!!! Mom and Dad seem to have some plan up their sleeve, even though she made a point to call me - like she does every year - to reiterate that we are not doing gifts. I don't know. The only rule that I broke was to get for Phil a print for his new office of the Port of Marseilles where he was born. But I can cover it up by giving it to Michel to give to him. Oh, and for Nikki and Nate, I got gifts to put under their tree, but they are from EMMA. So no rules broken. He heeee Mom and Dad however, are on my shit list!!! They have blatantly bent some rules. I can tell by the giggles and whispers and secretive phone calls to Michel. Hmmmmm

So maybe in some twisted and/or screwy way, we have actually captured the essence of what Christmas is suppose to be. A surprise, no matter what rules are broken. Nothing expected. No appliances, no clothes, no meaningless filler gifts. But rather, a gift with immense meaning because we just could not help ourselves.

Getting lost in the keys

I have a crazy desire to type. Relentless and whatever ramblings in my head about constant thoughts are like a lava flow that just need an escape. I equate my ambition for the keyboard to the ambition that Billy Joel has for his keys when he is in the zone with songs like: Scenes from an Italian restaurant. It's just a hammering of emotion, whatever the outlet.

Date night, Friday in the year of 06 on December 8th. Gotta work to keep the passion alive lest daily mundulaities take over and warp you heart. (Yes, I just coined that word). I took my baby to Papadeux'. We cleaned up nicely and got into the spirit of the night. They sure have their shit down pat. It was so crowded, we had to circle for parking. But once accomplished we strolled in, expecting a wait, and had already discussed should we sit at the bar or in the outside lounge. However, we were escorted immediately to a front row table.

Merlot & Budweiser

Calamari Mediterranean Style

Coconut Shrimp

Lobster tail, Baked potato

Flawless service. They get my 4 stars ****

The Decline of my Christmas Spirit

I just don't feel it. All of my neighbors are lit up and festive and I am like the "scrooge" house on the block. I am sure the closer I get to 12/25, the more I will be hoping for a LIFETIME Channel moment. But right now, it's just not there.