Talking in the Dark

There's something to be said for the night. This is where inspiration lives. There is just a deeper quiet available to the soul. It's not a new thing. For centuries folks have told stories around campfires where minds and words flow free.

My campfire story tonight is one of calm discontent. I still can't help but feel a little bit lost but I am no longer grasping for emotional air. Before long instead of a few good days, I will be counting a few good weeks and finally letting it dissolve in to the learning experience it simply was, however bittersweet. My center of emotional gravity is shifting and I will be better than before.

Looking forward to the upcoming jaunt up north. It's an "out of my comfort zone" sort of weekend and now just 3 days away. It's nice to have anticipation for something again. My mind is making lists of list of things I need to do to prepare. If only my mind would shut up once in awhile a let me free fall. This excursion is pretty close to wild abandon. It's the perfect anecdote to recent pain.

Sweet D, thanks for pushing me over the edge.

I am ashamed of my recent mental self indulgence.

I surrender to the flow of divinity

Marathon Moments

We walked.

The spirit of an event like this becomes a lasting memory. It was upbeat and inspiring. It was an emotional walk around the streets of downtown Phoenix.

There are so few moments that have so much meaning.

Write on

Simply getting serious about getting on, I am once again a college student. The only difference this time is that I actually have enough wisdom born from hard living. You can't learn this stuff in any school!

I just need structure, feedback and the discipline to write.

Current assignment, an inspirational piece. Thank God! Fiction and I are not friends. I can write about stuff of life, because I have lived so much of it.

My nights are now spent devouring the Thesaurus and meeting new words that will eventually be woven into the yarn of my life. It's my goal to articulate my soul and hopefully, inspire another.

To make it all really real, I have a shiny new notebook computer that is barely 8 hours old. I feel so technologically advanced to have dumped the PC (on which I am currently writing, because old habits and all). Now my words and I can go wherever we need to and I am no longer tied to desk and chair, but can rely on a mountaintop and my lap. Freedom continues to make it's presence know in my life.

I intend to become polished with some professor's guidance and one day, be quotable, but for now I do borrow a bit from the masters. I prefer to think of it as word education. As Ralph Waldo Emerson so graciously states; Genius borrows nobly.

In the arena of my evolution, I have put so much distance between then and now, I feel hope again. I am walking the walk with the pride of a victor! My friends keep telling me they are proud of me. It's only when I can be proud of myself that the healing begins. I have embraced this concept and will - soon. I just have to experience this process. I suppose we can never really be prepared for that which is suddenly new, but we should prepare for times of drastic change. This is life, handing you an accolade for your growth and spurring you on to the next greatest thing.

Just another Tuesday

When the unbearable nature of our existence becomes raw enough we are finally able to see the humor in it, and laugh at how seriously we take ourselves. I think I am feeling the bubble burst now and can look forward. I have been looking back for so long that I couldn't see where I was going.

A quest for hiking boots today turned in to the most frustrating and then humiliating experience. Needless to say, I have yet to find the elusive little things. I guess I will turn to the internet and hope I have enough time for delivery before my grand hike into freedom.

I did no work today except for feeble attempts at breather bars. I have to harness a bit more discipline tomorrow. Of course, once I made up my mind to be miserable for a while, nothing else mattered. And then Emma called to babble endlessly about lady bugs and parties and all things of an enlightened two year old. It was an afternoon blessing. I needed that reminder, that there is always a bit of holy inside the most ordinary of days.

Field of Mud

Spent the better part of tonight musing about changes. I sought out distractions as the best coping mechanism for today. An impromptu dinner invitation and a walk around the mall were welcome relief from the usual rambling around this big house that holds no destination for me anymore. I find myself having a hard time sprucing up my daily rituals.

Now that the moment is three months old, I feel hard-pressed to put any of my life, these days, into words. Which is something I see as simultaneously great and disturbing. I used to adore rantings of hope and progress and daily moments that were delightful. But am now left to abhore the inspiration born from human discontent of which I was the victim. I can’t let my grief crowd out any of the laughter that is yet to be shared.

There is much more to relay, so to make it easier on the old brain, I will categorize.

1. The garden is absolutely ravishing as of late. It's with soulful melancholy that I know I am bidding it farewell as we spend our last season together. The grapevines are just magnificent, as if to be the ones to vie for my attention over everyone else. They are proud to be so bold in only their second season here. They appear to be outshining the morning glory corner, which is a secret garden in itself. This little spot is always my favorite, even though it takes up most of my attention, these glorious beings challenge me as they require daily discipline or will otherwise run wild with sweet abandon. We have a lot in common. I hope someone will love this little spot of earth that I once claimed as my own.

2. Travel destinations, hotel bookings, airline tickets and all things foreign to me are my new reality. I have a new mindset for visiting planet earth starting with Sedona, Az in just 11 short days. This trip marks my 48th birthday and the beginning of my life. Followed by a less than inspirational jaunt to backwoods Kentucky where I will reconnect with my true soul mate as we are once again together for a few days, to sit on her porch and philosophize the days away. And then, like a movie plot that I never saw myself in, I will rent a car and travel the short 6 hour distance to my 30th high school reunion in South Whitley, Indiana. This is the stuff of life and, after all, I am still alive.

3. The sadder notes that currently ring are the details of divorce and division of heart and hard assets. I took the big leap into the attorney arena today and can't yet convey the emotions that are witness to this, but I operate on instinct now and I knew that sooner or later, we just had to give up the ghost and get dirty. I hope that grace guides my footsteps on this journey.

Retrospective and Reality

I have to publically acknowledge the amazing people that now wander through my life. Vickie, you are my other half. Damn you for that. If only you were tall, dark and handsome, oh yeah, and a MAN!

But, in lieu of that, I have this.

The current characters in my play are: Myself - leading lady. Vickie, best supporting role. Michel, greatest male actor. Dan, something surreal and inspirational.

Teresa, Maureen, Lou, Katie and Nancy- lifeline friends.

Corey - amusing distraction.

Debbie, a renewed friendship and next travel destination.

My splintered family

and pereferial characters: Roxanne, Marlene & Frank, Lori

and even Damon gets a nod as he was something in this.

Thanks people! Each and every one of you just saved my life.

Unraveling my latest mistake

I simply can't find the rewind button and therefore have no option but to watch what is currently playing.

Days are becoming whole again, about half way through. The beginning seems insurmountable and then the noon welcomes promise and night seems to embrace me, as I have lived the challenge of another day. Funny thing "time. It's a powerful healer and I welcome every minute. Would be nice if I could buy a little, just to be further down the path, but I can't seem to find the right currency.

Like a poorly knitted sweater, I am slowely unraveling the yarn of the last decade and rolling it back in to a fresh ball of promise to be re-knitted in to something new. I have imagination for my new project, it's not quite formulated yet, but my mind is finally working on it.

My blessings are immense

That face brings nothing but happiness to my soul. Emma has inspired me to always plaster a happy grin on my face. No matter what. She radiates pure joy. So shall I.

Happy Birthday to us. We are getting ready to celebrate our birthday again. She will be two, going on 22 and I will be 48, going on 22. Let youth wash over me.

5K Walk for Peace

Being that all things are new in my life, I am doing all new things. My current project is the upcoming 5K walk to end Domestic violence, sponsored by Arizona Foundation for Women. I intend to raise $500 for this cause as I prepare to walk for Vanessa.

On April 28th, I will participate in my first marathon ever, on her behalf and on behalf of all women that find themselves in similar situations.

Vanessa is the daughter of a friend that was murdered in her bed at the age of 19 when an enraged boyfriend took her life. Teresa, her mother, decided to use this tragic instance in her life to serve others. And she is inspiring to me. I met her at the height of her grief and marveled at her strength while she walked through it. Her faith never waivered.

And so now, 2 years later, as Teresa marches for this cause with the conviction of an angel, I am honored to walk beside her. We are grateful for your support.

If you can join us as we celebrate the night, you can sign up here:
Voices 4 Vanessa for 2007 Walk to End Domestic Violence.
http://www.active.com/register/index.cfm?event_id=1386246&subevent_id=770495&team_id=323078

Our Organization: http://azfoundationforwomen.org/dv-walk/afw.html

Contributions:
http://www.active.com/donate/enddomesticviolence/azwalkTOrtiz

Meanderings nothing more

I sit down to empty my thoughts onto this black and white forum each evening. Tonight is just a quiet room with the fan swirling overhead. The sliding glass door is open and the night smells good. The pool is gurgling because the pump is on and there are sounds of the night beckoning for me to listen. It is a perfect playground for a distracted mind; I skip from one thought to the next and before long I am not interested in writing anything. It seems I am still nurturing the pain that was born out of the events of this last year.

Unexpected invitation

I was invited to afternoon tea. Now, generally speaking, this is not my cup of tea. But since my life is now full of new and different things to do, I graciously accepted. The hosts were a German couple 30 years my senior, that live on the other side of the "gulf". It truely was an afternoon of tea, complete with china, sugar bowl and homemade streudel.

We sat outside in their garden and chatted about everything except the subject at hand, since they decided that their job was take my mind off of it. And they did a great job. It's funny how much you can have in common with people, no matter what walk of life we are all in. I was schooled in gardening, the ways of marriage and how to be my own woman and not someone's wife. We discussed books, wildlife and aircraft. They showed me an enduring love of two commited souls and I had pangs of jealousy. But it renewed my faith that it really is something that can happen.

We spent the better part of a late afternoon in souful chat and human connection while dodging golf balls. (They live in the danger zone).

This encounter changed my mind. I realized that walking away from a situation rather than "righting" it is absolutely freeing. That was today's miracle.