4, 3, 2 Down to One

Happily down to one, I find myself on my way to my next adventure in four days. This time, I'm looking forward to getting on a plane and let it take me to three mindless days two states away. This is a weekend to reconnect, even though it begins on a Monday.

My single self has single behavior. I cooked my dinner and then ate it out of the pan. I have never done this in my life, but couldn't fathom dirtying a dish. And it made me laugh.

Spent a great portion of the day writing and it was an alphabet aphrodisiac.

The gauntlet is to be published, and a personal goal. But I have extreme writer's disquitetude about my words. Don't want them read, but realize I have to expose myself.

Getting in the flow is getting easier with the book in the oven and my classes and the peer groups are offering confidance. Vickie and I have a challenge as to who will be published first. I am stubbornly determined.

My day concluded with Cowboy wisdom, poetic words, pink skys and a big moon.

And last word, you can talk brilliantly about a problem, but once you invoke action, expect a masterpiece born from the wisdom thereof.

Nothing for granted

This probably borders on child abuse, but she had a soft place to fall.

I abused my employees a bit today in demanding they complete 200 externals in 1 shift. They are complete. It took 14 hours and my brain now echos with the grumbling and complaints that were free flowing around about 2 PM. I have no sympathy, as none of them started with me at 5 AM. That was a task!! This proved to myself these difficult deadlines are obtainable, as they were all along. Honest labor bears deep satisfaction at the days end.

Miss Emma came to work today!! And we have the complaints from Drazena to prove it!

She was a bright spot in every one's day! She had a word or two of wisdom for everyone and when no one was listening, she simply danced. She has an entire choreographed routine that made us stop and laugh. She has an enchanting way of engaging people. If you sit back and watch her, she eminates pure joy. I sat back a lot today, and watched. Most people have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. Emma teaches me another way. Live intensely in the present moment. We have nothing else.

Under Construction

I hate weekends and this one is particularly hard. I won't let this be a source of discouragement, but rather, fresh stimulus. So I am easing my way along this treacherous path which I now find myself. Some days its great big planes and open sky. And other times, the scary road and snow. It's snowing like crazy tonight and that road is scaring the hell out of me. But a wise man recently told me, while on that road, just put on blinders and keep going.

Michel and I had an amazing day. It started with my bad mood towards his laziness. I couldn't help but make my feelings known while he stared at a mindless TV while I scrambled to get him ready for this trip. I finally threw up my hands and shared a few words with him. I can't say he sprung in to action, but he got it. We stood at the kitchen counter, the spot in the corner where all messages are left for one another. Together we formulated a game plan to get him on his way and then we got on our way to get it all done. Starting at the bank we changed dollars into Euros and got over the shock of the bad change it was, $1,000 US = $731 Euros. Stopped at the optometrist to order contacts for 3 months and then let our stomachs do the talking. We went to Cheesecake Factory before the anticipated shopping trip......

And as we sat there at that table in the round room in the back looking across from each other, he just started talking. And there was no stopping the flood of words. It was the most honest communication we have ever shared. We talked. He told me of his teachers and how he feels about higher education. He talked about his friends and the mistakes they have made and the things they do. He went in to his imagination of what he would do after high school and pondered the changes that were coming. He talked about France and surmised that he would lose much weight there, because he was apprehensive of the food he might encounter. We talked about girls and girlfriends. He told me lengthy stories and bad jokes. We ate. We shared calamari and fries.

The entire afternoon flowed in to a sweet memory that I will always have. I forced him to shop for clothes and he pretended to hate it. The result was exceptional!! He is ready to go, as far as garments. The top of the day, was the haircut. This is a sore subject, as he wants it to grow with wild abandon and never comb or care for it. The result makes him look like "cousin it". So I took him to Teresa. His experience in her shop was great. When I enter Teresa's shop, there is just an air of everybody talks to everybody and we mingle and laugh. She is such a pure soul. We entered, she hugged me, she assessed Michel's hair and sat him right down. And the entire shop, employees and clientele, became involved in his story of "going to France". It was a half hour of shop talk. He was comfortable and she did a great job!! He feels good about himself and I am thoroughly satisfied about the day.

I called Phil to tell him about the successful day, because it was a milestone for Michel and I wanted to share his son's enthusiasm. He was less than interested and I was sorry I called. How a parent leaves a child for their own selfish reasons, I will never grasp. Michel has been given a big life to overcome, as both of his parents have now done this to him. As with Vickie, I had to spend time with the man to get to the child on the other side that needed me. I was supposed to be here for Michel. Here I am.

There are times in every ones life when something constructive is born of adversity..... when things seem so bad you've got to grab your fate by the shoulders and shake it!

Good Gourd

The essence of life in my plants is the first thing I see each day. My groggy self wanders around my yards first thing every morning. I bid everything good morning, and they bid me right back. Complete satisfaction is watching something or someone grow. I ask each morning as I wander around my living environment, what's in store for me now. The answer seems to be; dare to ask, be willing to listen, and prepare to act.

I am humbled by my blessings, even though I scramble still to hold myself together. These emotions that insist upon pouring out are the stuff of great books or at least a blog entry or two.

Michel leaves for Europe in 9 days. He's the last person left that will leave me. It's unsettling, yes. I have no one else to take care of. I'm sure it's now meant to be that I take care of myself. I am really ready for this new era. Poingnant promise of something new.

I have such good friends to lean on while I make this journey. Whatever our struggles, our doubts, and our fears, we are never alone.

Thank You D.

Conclusions

Paperwork today put and end to what I thought was the rest of my life. But a signature and a check concludes that. I am in awe of the destiny that life has for me. It's apparently more than I saw coming myself. And so, I am just going to be grateful for heartache's inspiration and the constant flow of writing that now occupies my nights as a result. My life is so much bigger than before. I have been wrenched in to getting to know me. And we are getting to be good friends.

The lesson served up is, it's my own fault I choose to live for everyone else and put myself in the backseat.

So on the return trip now, the message is to slow down. Life has big things to offer if you ask. Though you don't always like the answer, its simple truth. Acceptance is my path.

Stepping in to Tomorrow

An afternoon with Wayne Dyer has provided me with a complete shift in perception.

His energy is contagious and I walked away from this with a renewed energy of my own. The message he delivered, though profound and extremely quotable, left me with the realization to just not take life so seriously. Life's moments are always going to exist. It's how we react to them that makes us the kind of person we are going to be. Acceptance was the key that he gave me. Trying to understand, plot and plan my life, grappling with constant details, making rules and regulations, putting everything in to order is like, grasping a handful of water. It's a fruitless quest. Just be one with life. It's already decided.

So I decide to live in the flow. Let it happen. I can't stop a thing. I am an observer, a humble witness and grateful participant.

Singing at the top of my lungs

Living alone is kind of liberating. There are simply no obligations. Kitchen is a mess? Who cares. Laundry is piling up, so be it. And though I have not cooked in months now, I find myself preparing food with a different mindset. It's not because I feel like I should, but it's because I want to. I am no longer trying to prove myself. I am getting to know me. I am trying to impress myself, and I think I am falling for me.

Emma was here today. To put in to words the feeling that I have for that child is simply impossible. She is more enlightened than us all. She prefaces everything that she says with; "Grandma" Grandma you OK?, Grandma where's Mike? Grandma I love you.

We started the day dancing in the great room. She learned to twirl in country style and I learned to live in the moment. We went to the lake to feed ducks but it was so hot we quickly concluded that... and chatted all of the way home about the sun.

We tended her garden and she watered the bamboo. Once again, everything makes sense.

Stuck in a Moment

At 3 AM there is lazy apathy for any enthusiasm. Had an amazing weekend and I would love to be lost in those two days forever. My return home brought back the ugly flood of emotion, anger and pain. But given the hour and lack of sleep, it's only for a moment.

My reality is the return of spirit and faith. I simply feel happy. Now I have another problem,

happiness is now not good enough for me. I demand euphoria!

Taking the Leap

I've never traveled. I've never ventured out and I have certainly never done it on my own. Times are a changing. I leave Friday morning for a souful destination and head toward liberty. This part of this is for sure a lesson in my growth. Life is change, growth is optional. I intend to choose wisely.
Happy Birthday Emma. I love you