I was on edge today. Couldn't find satisfaction in any addiction. I tried gambling as wine and pain killers are starting to bore me. Found myself at Ft. McDowell putting all of my faith in an Alligator wild symbol of the slot machine that had reeled me in. I had momentary satisfaction that only resulted in losing the money I had vowed was my limit. At least I stick to limits. But the truth is, it fulfilled a void that made me contemplate the depth of my longing. A fact that challenged my thinking. I don't let anyone in. I'm alone on this island of my life. The last inkling of trust in humankind that I ever had was recently shattered. And so why would I ever, ever let down my guard again. Sadly, I may not.
I called my best friend to ask if he'd seen 60 minutes. He had not. We launched in to an amicable chat about today's field trip and my current state of intense household renovations. I am obsessed with the state of my house and in particular my gardens. He brought it brilliantly to my attention that I am having a bit of a metamorphosis. I am leaving the cocoon that was last year and reinventing myself. He was profound in his assessment of my current emotional growth. I need to find happiness by limiting my desires rather than attempting to satisfy them.
He's so full of shit, but I love you Mel ;)
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